He stammered, fumbled and appeared unnatural. They never went out again. Frustrated that his romantic life was continually being stymied by social anxiety, Gray, 30 at the time, decided to take control. He enrolled in acting lessons, forcing himself to perform in front of groups. He went to speed dating events to practice conversing. He committed to talking to every woman he was attracted to and to shrugging off the 9 out of 10 times he got rejected. Now in a yearlong relationship with a woman he approached at a bookstore, Gray said he has become a happier person generally, more comfortable speaking up in meetings at work and striking up conversations with strangers at bars. About 40 percent of Americans consider themselves to be shy, which in itself is not a negative trait — shyness is actually highly adaptive, compelling people to pause and size up a situation before proceeding — but it becomes problematic in dating when fears of rejection, failure or being disrespected prevent people from going after what they want, said Bernardo Carducci, professor of psychology and director of the Shyness Research Institute at Indiana University Southeast. Such people can have trouble with intimacy, she said.
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